Who's On First?
by TacticianZephine
Summary: Harley Quinn and The Joker are not baseball fans. So, rather than watch the World Series, they decide to screw with a new Arkham patient.


**I got bored. I found a couple different transcripts of "Who's On First" and adapted them to fit my needs here. "Who's On First" is a skit by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. The Joker, Harley Quinn, Arkham Asylum, Johnny Frost, and Poison Ivy are all Batman characters affliliated with DC Comics. Johnny Frost appears in Azzarello's Joker, so he's technically canon. Lost belongs to whoever owns rights to Lost.**

* * *

Neither The Joker or Harley were that interested in baseball, really. Even though Arkham Asylum made it a habit to show the World Series in the main room every year. The same thing went for the Superbowl and other major sporting events.

"Can't we watch _Lost_ or something?" Harley complained loudly, half to herself, half to the room.

A guard looked at her. "Shut up, Quinn."

"I agree, let's watch _Lost_," The Joker chimed in.

"You too."

Both fell silent, Harley pouting. The Joker noticed a new inmate sitting by himself in the corner of the room, watching the TV intently, and walked over to him. Harley trotted behind him. The Joker sat down beside the inmate and gave him a friendly smile.

"Hey there, kiddo," he greeted.

The inmate, a young man with nervous eyes by the name of Johnny Frost, looked up at him, and his eyes became legitimately terrified. "Y-Y-You're... you..."

"No need to be nervous, kid! I'm not such a bad guy, am I, Harl?"

"Not at all, Mistah J!" Harley piped up.

"So, kid, you have a name?"

"J... Johnny. Johnny Frost."

"Johnny-Johnny Frost!" The Joker grinned. "You like baseball, Johnny-Johnny?"

"Y... Yes..."

"You rooting for the Yankees, or for St. Louis?"

"S... St. Louis..."

"Hm. Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names."

"Funny names?" Johnny asked.

"Nicknames, nicknames. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third-"

"You know the fellows' names?"

"Yes."

"Well, then who's playing first?"

"Yes."

"I mean the fellow's name on first base."

"Who."

"The fellow playin' first base."

"Who."

"The guy on first base."

"_Who_ is on first," Harley said.

"Well, what are you askin' me for?" Johnny shot back.

"I'm not asking you-I'm telling you. Who is on first."

"I'm asking you-who's on first?"

"That's the man's name," The Joker explained.

"That's who's name?"

"Yes,"

Johnny threw up his hands in frustration. "When they pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?"

"Every dollar of it!" Harley smiled.

"And why not, the man's entitled to it," The Joker agreed.

"Who is?"

"Yes."

"So who gets it?"

"Why shouldn't he?"

"Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it," Harley nodded.

"Who's wife?"

"Yes."

"After all, the man earns it," The Joker nodded.

"Who does?"

"Absolutely."

"Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base?"

Harley squeaked. "Oh, no, no. What is on second base."

"I'm not asking you who's on second!"

"Who's on first!" The Joker yelled

"I don't know!" Johnny shot back.

"Third base!" Harley wailed.

Johnny sighed. "... St. Louis has a good outfield?"

"Oh, absolutely," The Joker smiled.

"The left fielder's name?"

"Why."

"I don't know..." Johnny glared at Harley as she piped up "Third base!" again, then looked back at The Joker. "I just thought I'd ask."

"Well, I just thought I'd tell you."

"Then tell me who's playing left field?"

"Who's playing first."

"Stay out of the infield! The left fielder's name?"

"Why."

"Because."

"Oh, he's center field," Harley added.

"Wait a minute. Is there a pitcher on this team?"

"Oh, well, wouldn't it be a fine team without a pitcher?" The Joker said sarcastically.

"Tell me the pitcher's name."

"Tomorrow."

"What time?"

"What time what?"

"What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?"

"Now listen. Who is _not_ pitching," Harley growled.

"Listen here, I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?"

"What's on second."

"I don't know."

"Third base!" Harley and The Joker said together.

"... Alright, alright. They got a catcher?"

"Certainly."

"The catcher's name?"

"Today."

"... Alright, let's say I'm playing catcher. Now, when the guy at bat bunts the ball-me being a good catcher-I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?"

"Now, that's the first thing you've said right," Harley said.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Johnny shouted at her.

"Don't get excited. Take it easy," The Joker shot back.

"I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow-a triple play."

"Yeah, it could be," Harley nodded.

"... Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?"

"Naturally."

"Who?"

"Didn't you hear? Naturally," The Joker repeated.

"Naturally?"

"Naturally!" both clowns shouted.

"So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally."

"No you don't, you throw the ball to Who."

"Naturally. I throw the ball to Naturally."

"You throw it to Who," Harley corrected him.

"Naturally."

"That's it."

"That's what I said! Alright, I think I've got it." He looked at The Joker. "You ask me."

"You throw the ball to Who?"

"Naturally." Johnny looked at Harley. "Now you ask me."

"You throw the ball to Who?"

"Naturally."

"Fine! Fine! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know!"

"He's on third," Harley chimed.

"I don't give a damn!"

"What?"

"I said I don't give a damn!"

"Oh, that's their shortstop!" The Joker grinned.

Johnny let out a guttural bellow of rage and jumped at him. He dodged, and Johnny settled for taking down Harley, punching her repeatedly in the face.

"Hey!" The guards rushed over, pulling Johnny off of Harley and holding him back from continuing his assault as two doctors peeled the blonde off of the floor.

"Owww..." Harley whimpered. "Mithtah J, he hit me!"

The Joker glanced lazily over at Johnny and then back at Harley. "Sorry, Punkin. I'll come visit you in the Infirmary."

"Otay, Puddin'," she lisped, spitting some blood as the doctors escorted her out of the room.

Johnny glared at the guards who cuffed his wrists together, and then returned to watching the TV.

Poison Ivy looked over at him as soon as the guards left. "You know The Joker was just baiting you, right?"

"How?"

"He knows what most of us are in for, he probably knew you had an aggression issue, and he exploited it for his own amusement." Poison Ivy examined her nails. "That's not even his original material. It's a famous routine. Like, take the second baseman. What is his name."

"Oh, for the love of God! Not you too!"


End file.
